One stress down…
Oh dear, life is so complicated. I keep waiting for it to smooth out and become easier but maybe it just isn’t meant to but I wish at least certain parts would. Hopefully it all pans out soon, I don’t want to have to make those really tough painful decisions but I may have to, who knows.
One stress down, I passed my PT test I had been stressing out over, I actually passed with an excellent. They were a lot less strict on push ups than I thought they would be so I got 29 that counted and I have very definitely improved my run time. My last PT test I got a 15 minute mile and a half run, this time I got a 13:52, it took six months to cut off the extra time but that is the best run time I have ever gotten in my life and I am really proud of it even if other people may think it is a slow time. The biggest thing is now, because I got an excellent, I don’t have to test for a year and I am not stressing about it anymore. I am going to spend the next year continuing to get in shape so I don’t have to worry about it ever again. I have lost weight and I want to continue with that but more than that I just want to get into shape. I am looking in to martial arts, I think it would be fun and get me in shape, my problem is I have to trick myself with exercise, I can’t sit in front of a DVD for an hour, or even 20 minutes, I get bored and I just don’t want to do it but if I think it is a fun thing I will gladly do it. I was thinking of biking to work but I tried that the other day and I certainly got a workout but it is kind of scary around here, there are lots of places with no sidewalks or bike lanes and people really aren’t shy about getting close to a biker. Not to mention the hills in my area are killer, it really sucked.
Other than some random things life is ok, money is still tight but is a bit better than it was. I need to get a new phone and I have decided that I am not skimping this time, every phone I have gotten before has been the cheapest I could get with a new contract, free or $20. This time I want to get a good phone so I am going to make my next couple of weeks really tight and finally get my Iphone I have wanted. AT&T seems to be the best company to get signal where I work (at least there will be something compared to my Tmobile with nothing in any building I have to go to) so the good phone there is the Iphone for all those people who think they aren’t as good as others. I am not sure which one I should get though, the newest 4G or the 3GS, I could save money but get niftier stuff with the new one. I guess I will just decide when I actually get to the store, hopefully by Tuesday I will finally have it.
Warning: Rough Times Ahead
Been a long time since I wrote anything, I just haven’t really been in a blogging mood, I am struggling and it sucks. I finally got the whole move thing squared away, we got out of the old apartment though it was a fight to do it, move day was hell, a couple of people bailed, there was a ton of drama and it was just ridiculous. It took pretty much the entire week that we had left at the old apartment to get it all cleared out and a lot of help from friends. There were some stressful days, long nights with a little bit of hanging out mixed in. We had some friends show up who saved the day and helped with everything and had they not it probably would have gone very badly. I thought that I was going to end up getting charged by the old apartment for general damage, my cats ripped up some carpet and the blinds but I actually ended up getting like $2 back…not much but I am happy I got anything back. They charged us for some random things that I think are BS, apparently the fridge needed a new shelf for some strange reason and I think they charged us for a new door somewhere, I’m not sure why but that is what the deposit was for.
Work is a fight, I thought I was doing well and at least on track but apparently I fell behind somewhere and didn’t notice. I had a really rough week back and forth with my supervisor but I think I am finally doing ok. I have been busting my ass for a while and I am hoping that means good things. Of course none of that really matters if I can’t pass my PT test which I am really worried about. I thought I was ok for a while but then everyone started telling me my push ups werent low enough and if I can’t get the minimum number required going down far enough then I flat out fail and that really worries me. Failing a PT test could ruin everything and so I am really nervous. I am trying to get it covered and taken care of but my test is coming up really soon and I am just not sure. I will just have to keep working as hard as I can and hopefully it all comes together for me.
I have a bunch of other crap going on in my life but that just isn’t worth putting on here. Generally life is really sucking right now but I am trying to get it back together and going where it needs to again. Everyone out there should wish me luck, I think I have a lot of tough times coming up…
Week from HELL!
It started this last weekend, my cat passed away. This fat fuzzball has been with me for so long and through everything, he was my company when I got out here and was all alone and I loved him so much and he was happy and healthy. Hubby got home and Wicker ran up to him happy as usual then about 10 minutes later I was just getting out of the shower and hubby called me because something was wrong. We rushed him to the emergency vet but they said nothing could be done, it was pretty much instant. Apparently it was either some sort of cardiac something or a blood clot, something that is quick and not preventable and apparently happens with cats. It hit me hard and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to let go and mourn and move on, I don’t even think I have dealt with my dad’s death, I just don’t know how to handle it all and it takes so much energy.
Then I get to work and this week has just been long even though we had Monday off. We are having a lot of our policies undermined and it is making things a lot harder on us for stupid reasons and because people cry too much. Then with joint basing we are getting caught up in the middle and are getting so messed up. Also, a new thing has been implemented that Friday, which used to be our shop PT day and was my favorite because it was more relaxed and I could actually concentrate on what I needed to improve personally, is now a “wing run” day. So, now our entire wing which is a ridiculous amount of people must all find parking and meet in a specific spot, run 2 miles (thankfully not in formation and at our own pace) and then all try to shower and change in the small locker rooms…or some can go back to their shops if they are lucky enough. The logistics are going to be stupid. There is also a rumor that Tuesday’s and Thursday’s will be shop PT which means 5 days of PT…I am hoping the shop PT works out in my favor but we will see, that is still a lot of PT and a lot of time that I was happy with that is being taken away. I also discovered a couple of days ago that I have to work this Saturday doing something stupid, the one day I had all to myself without hubby and the one day we could save on some gas because we wouldn’t have to mess with switching the car around and drive back and forth so many times…
Also, got into a massive fight with hubby. I had my thoughts that I was thinking were right and I thought I was going the right direction and I thought things were stable and then I got the rug pulled out from under me. I got all turned about and some things I thought I had right I didn’t and some things I am going back and thinking maybe my opinion was inaccurate before and I am just spending a lot of time second guessing and now going over stuff I thought I had already dealt with and having to look at it again and try to find some other new perspective. It sucks, I am so tired and ready to be done with the problems and just get to the happy.
We are broke…no matter how I budget and how prepared I am some extra expense always pops up and makes us so stupid broke. I had things going well with my money and then expense after expense demanded payment. I now can just perfectly cover my bills but I don’t just have my bills. I have other stuff that will be coming out of my account that I don’t know if I have the money to cover. I was counting on hubby to give me the money because they are his expenses that he told me he would pay me back for but he miscalculated. Thankfully he gets paid weekly so I have pretty much decided to just take his entire next check if I have to, I won’t let myself get over drawn or more important bills go unpaid because of his expenses.
Blarg! When does it get better?
Today’s Woots!
Woot! Hubby got me a new phone. He stepped on mine a couple weeks ago so it wouldn’t accept a charge anymore so we have just been trading batteries everyday using his phone as a charger. Apparently a guy at his work had the same type of phone and wanted to get rid of it, he wanted $50 for it so I told hubby not to worry about it, we could save the money for something else and I would just deal with it until my contract was up in July. He came home and surprised me today with the phone and said not to worry about the cost of it, he broke my other phone so he wanted to replace it. I am happy, I like having a phone I can charge on my own and not having to rely on him so much for a battery plus, bonus, the phone has a newer style battery that lasts a lot longer. I am excited! Yayness much for the hubby, he did something great.
On another note and another woot for the day, I passed my eval! I got an 85 by the current standards which isn’t spectacular but is not bad at all. I am super happy, don’t have to worry about it for 6 more months. I won’t say that now I am going to just forget about it all until then but I can be a little less stressed. I want to do better, by the new standards I am maybe 2.7 points away from excellent and I should maybe try to get a little lower on my push ups. I really want to be able to max out push ups, that would mean 40 something in a minute which will be hard but is totally do able. Also, my run wasn’t exactly great, I was at a steady pace the entire time but I hit 15 minutes and I really want to improve that and not feel like I am absolutely dying by the end. So, my goal: next PT test is an excellent without death.
OUCH! Stupid husband…
Life, at this moment, is boring….and painful. I went to workout yesterday after having already done PT earlier and now I hurt, so sore. When hubby got home I asked him to crack my back and he got some amazing deep cracks. A little relief but overall, still sore, and I have to PT tomorrow and I am gonna let my supervisor kick my butt with a second workout round again. I am doomed, but hopefully it will be worth it…hopefully.
Hubby’s new job is so far good though I have found my issue with it, there always has to be one. Last night hubby didn’t get home until I was pretty much already in bed (I go to sleep early to be fair) and so we had no “us” time. Since this shop is supposed to be one of the biggest in the district it gets tons of work which means him being so late probably won’t be an entirely uncommon thing. It sucks especially because we won’t have weekends, he gets his days off during the week. I really hope they put him on opening shifts that way we will have some time together and the carpool will actually work out better. As it stands while he works I am carpooling with my supervisor which irritates me a bit. I asked many times if there was going to be an issue with him getting up early and making this all work carpooling and sharing one car and he said no problem, he was doing it while he was in Cali so he would be fine. Fail, he doesn’t want to have to wake up early when he works later so he wants me to get rides with my supervisor. Fine, except that means I kind of have to go do the workout thing with her and if she leaves late I have to leave late. I hate depending on other people for rides and stuff like that, it means if I am running late I screw them up too. Ugh, whatever, she is moving soon so I probably won’t be able to carpool then he has to suck it up.
Excellence in all we do…
Ugh…I think my washer may be breaking again which is really irritating. Oh well most of my laundry is done and it should last a bit longer plus now that my pet deposit is paid I can get the people in to fix it whenever. Luckily the apartment managers are really good about getting someone out here to fix it the same day.
Back to normal work today…ew. It wasn’t really bad it was just bleh. I had PT which wasn’t too bad, we did stations of different things again today since it was heavier rain, then I ended up on a bike for a bit, nothing too impressive. Work itself was a bit dull, just basics was done fairly early on. I went to get a shot, the final in my HPV set, the other two didn’t hurt but this one felt like I was punched in the arm. Maybe I was tense for some reason? No idea. I also got an email telling me how they are planning to implement the new PT eval requirements and unfortunately it doesn’t work in my favor at the moment. In order to get everyone set up on the new system people who had tested at the end of the year have to retest so because of this they have set up general times. Unfortunately where I would have tested in April and had tons of time to prepare I now test in February sometime. I should be ok if I can get to where I was in basic and if I can improve a little I can probably make excellent which would be kind of awesome. It wasn’t a big deal to me before but now I know I am actually kind of close and I actually want it. I have never been in shape and good with PT before so to get an excellent would be awesome. Anyway, I need to get my run time back down and maybe be better than basic. I had really messed up knees when I ran that eval so hopefully I can do it. I also need to do more push ups. First step with that is probably getting one of the people who evaluates the PT tests to tell me if I am doing the push ups properly, then do what I do in basic. Start with on in perfect form and then each day add another one. It is a slow build up and it is easy enough to push yourself for one more a day. Sit ups I should be good with though I need a stop watch or something so I can make sure I max those out in a minute. The max is 54 and I can do that I just don’t know how long it takes. Other than that is the waist measurement which all I can do is generally core exercises to improve. I don’t have anything to measure with but I haven’t put on any weight since basic or since before I left, I have actually lost some so it stands to reason that my waste measurement is about the same. Then again with my luck it will be worse and I will lose points. I have crunched the numbers and figured out what I need to pass and it shouldn’t be too hard but as I said, I want excellent if I can get it.
Happy New Year!
I did not DD. I instead got very drunk. We went out, my friend, her husband and one of his friends and I enjoyed myself. I think by the time we left I had taken 1 shot and was working on my 5th cocktail. Maybe not a lot to many people out there but considering I don’t drink often at all it was enough to get me pretty drunk. We hung out and watched the live band which wasn’t spectacular but they were a cover band so they had a lot of variety of music I knew which made it better. We stayed pretty much until right at midnight then called a taxi to take us home. All in all a very fun night and I think I surprised them by actually drinking and drinking to that point.
So, now comes the traditional New Year’s moment…the resolution, though I don’t entirely like calling them that because it seems that New Year’s resolutions are somewhat created to be broken or have a general idea that they will be. I want to actually make mine stick so it is just general change I am going for I guess, my plan and outline and goals for the new year. One way or the other I must get in shape, that isn’t an option because I have to pass my PT evals, however, I would like to be beyond basic passing of the evals. I would absolutely love to get excellent on my PT test though I don’t know if that will actually happen. That is something that would be nice but I am not going to crazy stress over. I want to get my marriage straightened out and get it to where it should be. Obviously I want us to be happy but that is a very vague desire, I want us stable and I want us to reach a point we haven’t been before. We honestly have always struggled a bit, we were happy but there was fighting and there was trying to change each other and there was stress from one thing or another, I don’t want that. I want us to accept each other, to move on from past hurts and to start fresh with full commitment to making each other happy. My big major goal of this year is to get the stupid Pontiac paid off. It is doable, it may be tight but it is doable if I put extra money from my tax return and other money I have to it. I am excited because short of rent that is the biggest bill I have every month, getting rid of that means I have an extra $285 a month to play with. That is a lot of extra money to have and I want it. As far as work goes I want to pass my test for upgrade training and I want to get an excellent score on that. It will be tough so the basic is passing it but the extra bonus is getting an awesome score, if I manage it I get days off so yay. I also want to set myself up well for putting in my package for below the zone so I can get promoted faster. For now I think that is it for the major goals and ideas, if I think of more I will probably adjust things later but for now that is the plan for 2010. Hope everyone had a great New Year’s party and has an amazing new year!
PS. I have been corrected by my sister, I apologize in my past posts where I wrote resign rather than re-sign, I went back and edited but I may not have caught all of them so while you are reading keep in mind that I re-signed my lease, not resigned it. Love you sis, lol.
A constant
ARG! What’s for dinner? This constant eternal question and problem I have. I always go through and find a bunch of recipes I want to try but by the time I am looking at them I want something quick and easy and don’t want to bother with the nonsense of full preparations and everything. Must start planning ahead more. I think I am setting myself up with a project this weekend, I need to make a recipe book and put in a bunch of these tasty looking recipes I have found, then I am gonna randomly flip to a page and that will be what I make the next week, then I can buy the ingredients and be prepared. Project number 2 I think will consist of cooking a whole chicken and cutting it up and seeing what I can do. I have checked out online and it looks kind of easy, lol, hopefully I have some good knives and shears in my kitchen. If I can deal with a whole chicken than that will be much cheaper than the boneless skinless chicken breasts I usually buy and I am all for saving money.
I want to try to trim my bills as much as possible and save so I can have extra money for whatever. Some to put toward bills, some to maybe actually decorate my apartment. I am tired of being in this constant state of broke. I have enough for stuff, just not a lot of stuff. I can pay my bills, eat, affford gas plus some extra but it seems to disappear too fast. I want to get my debts paid down as quickly as possible but I also don’t want to tighten my money to the point that al I do is sit at home so I don’t spend anything. I think I will do my best to keep better track of my money this month. I want to see where it is going and where I can save. I know part of it goes to eating out so I want to cook at home as much as possible. I was doing really well with that before I left but then I got down to nothing in my fridge and I didn’t want to fill my fridge when I would be gone for 2 weeks. But, now I am back and I can shop and set myself up.
I also want to get more in shape. I had PT today but it was very basic quick strength training with the squadron (what’s left of it due to holiday vacations) and then on our own cardio. I pushed myself pretty hard today and honestly it felt good. It hurt, and I could barely breathe, but I felt good doing it. I realized I was reaching some sort of happiness about working out, or at least pushing myself. I still have a long way to go to really get where I want but the mentality shift is an awesome thing and will make the process easier. I figure I can eat healthier if I cook for myself, I can make my own tasty meals and save money doing it. It is win win so why not? with any luck I will be in decent shape when hubby actually gets out here and I can surprise him. Supposedly it takes about 2 weeks to start seeing results and I have 3 so maybe I can make a noticeable dent, lol. If I can’t for when he arrives then it is still a good general goal. I definitely have to improve by my PT eval, I have until April I think so I have a while but I want to actually do well rather than just passable. I have crunched some numbers and if I at least get back to where I was in basic I will be beyond passable and that took me two months, with more time I think I could maybe gain the 2 points I need for excellent. Then again, in basic it was 6 days a week of PT so that could make a big difference…
Pain…
I feel…horrible. We did PT today, first day back and the first day in a week or two and we did tough PT. Tons of push ups, tons of sit ups and the long run. I am excited that I can run a mile straight but today I pushed myself hard. Now my knees are hurting…bad. I think the last time they hurt like this was back in tech school when I was first put on my waiver and recovering. I’m sure it’s not that bad and hopefully will fade withing a day or two but for now I am in pain. My back is also hurting, I think that is again from the extra hard running and my big…personality…causes some problems. Not to mention I am exhausted and have had a migraine all day. I don’t know why, I have eaten, I slept and I am not super stressed, it’s just one of those days.
I actually had stuff to do today! I taught both classes and surprisingly I seem to be over me fear of teaching. I think part of it from before was being judged because I had some of my coworkers sitting in specifically to judge me. Now it’s my class, they have to sit there and I have done it before without problems. Not to mention that they aren’t really paying attention anyway, they all just want to get out of there, they don’t care what I am saying. I guess overall I am just used to it now I just have to improve, figure out jokes to make and ways to make it fun. I also had some stuff that I had to get back into order after being gone and that is continuing tomorrow so I have stuff to do then. It’s nice to actually be useful have stuff to do.
Hehe, my cat just spent the last 5 or 10 minutes chasing his tail and is now curled up and passed out on the floor. I had the best sunset I have seen in a long time tonight and I am just relaxing on my couch watching Ron White, I may be in pain but I love my life.
