Week from HELL!
It started this last weekend, my cat passed away. This fat fuzzball has been with me for so long and through everything, he was my company when I got out here and was all alone and I loved him so much and he was happy and healthy. Hubby got home and Wicker ran up to him happy as usual then about 10 minutes later I was just getting out of the shower and hubby called me because something was wrong. We rushed him to the emergency vet but they said nothing could be done, it was pretty much instant. Apparently it was either some sort of cardiac something or a blood clot, something that is quick and not preventable and apparently happens with cats. It hit me hard and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to let go and mourn and move on, I don’t even think I have dealt with my dad’s death, I just don’t know how to handle it all and it takes so much energy.
Then I get to work and this week has just been long even though we had Monday off. We are having a lot of our policies undermined and it is making things a lot harder on us for stupid reasons and because people cry too much. Then with joint basing we are getting caught up in the middle and are getting so messed up. Also, a new thing has been implemented that Friday, which used to be our shop PT day and was my favorite because it was more relaxed and I could actually concentrate on what I needed to improve personally, is now a “wing run” day. So, now our entire wing which is a ridiculous amount of people must all find parking and meet in a specific spot, run 2 miles (thankfully not in formation and at our own pace) and then all try to shower and change in the small locker rooms…or some can go back to their shops if they are lucky enough. The logistics are going to be stupid. There is also a rumor that Tuesday’s and Thursday’s will be shop PT which means 5 days of PT…I am hoping the shop PT works out in my favor but we will see, that is still a lot of PT and a lot of time that I was happy with that is being taken away. I also discovered a couple of days ago that I have to work this Saturday doing something stupid, the one day I had all to myself without hubby and the one day we could save on some gas because we wouldn’t have to mess with switching the car around and drive back and forth so many times…
Also, got into a massive fight with hubby. I had my thoughts that I was thinking were right and I thought I was going the right direction and I thought things were stable and then I got the rug pulled out from under me. I got all turned about and some things I thought I had right I didn’t and some things I am going back and thinking maybe my opinion was inaccurate before and I am just spending a lot of time second guessing and now going over stuff I thought I had already dealt with and having to look at it again and try to find some other new perspective. It sucks, I am so tired and ready to be done with the problems and just get to the happy.
We are broke…no matter how I budget and how prepared I am some extra expense always pops up and makes us so stupid broke. I had things going well with my money and then expense after expense demanded payment. I now can just perfectly cover my bills but I don’t just have my bills. I have other stuff that will be coming out of my account that I don’t know if I have the money to cover. I was counting on hubby to give me the money because they are his expenses that he told me he would pay me back for but he miscalculated. Thankfully he gets paid weekly so I have pretty much decided to just take his entire next check if I have to, I won’t let myself get over drawn or more important bills go unpaid because of his expenses.
Blarg! When does it get better?
I don’t know what to do with all of this…
Blarg, so Hubby got the Uhaul today which unfortunately is more money than I expected and so we will be broke for this month. Also he delayed in actually picking it up because of rain which means that he didn’t get it all packed like he planned today which means he has to finish packing tomorrow and isn’t just going to be him driving up and getting here ASAP like planned. Also, unfortunate is we think the guy who transferred our stuff to the garage stole a bunch of our stuff including hubby’s one of a kind pool cue, his speakers set he got for his computer, our XBOX 360 and our PS3. The speaker set hubby has actually seen in this guys room and he claims he just happened to buy this exact same set off of “some guy”, he also has a 360 with smudge marks and other marks that look ridiculously similar to the ones our 360 had. Irritating and frustrating, especially for me the loss of the PS3. I asked my mom not to trust this guy with our stuff and she ignored me, now hubby is angry in general which comes back at me and I am angry as well and trying not to put it on him for not sending all of the stuff up while it was being taken care of by the Air Force. I am just so frustrated in general, such a stupid situation and I am so frustrated. GRR! I don’t even know how to let all of this out…
California!
So I got to Cali a couple of days ago and things are interesting to say the least. The family dinner was not nearly what I was expecting, not the happy fun it usually is. This year was an interesting one and we just have to see how they go next year, hopefully they stay good for some and get better for others. Talked with hubby, been talking with him. I don’t think I am really going to post anything until it is all finally set by my standards but at the very least there is a lot of stuff to work through for both of us. This will be an interesting few weeks I think. Other than that not too eventful yet, today should be visiting the house and starting to decorate for Christmas while my sister attempts to cook some random thing I stumbled her online. I will of course leave the decorating occasionally to peak my head into the kitchen, talk to her and keep her company as well as make sure she doesn’t burn the house down. We were discussing some of her cooking experiences last night and have decided she has an odd knack for creating new creatures…blobs and things that jiggle and move all on their own, lol. I will definitely be carefully watching.
Panic…
So I started thinking today…I only have two days left before I go home. At first I was completely excited, yay for all of the fun stuff I get to do! But then I started really thinking and freaking out and panicking. Going home could possibly mean the end of my marriage. Before I was excited to just finally have a resolution one way or the other but now I am afraid, I don’t want it to end. I don’t want my marriage to be over. It was easier to try to be over it and angry before and pissy, it kind of helped me deal with it but now that the day of resolution is almost here I am getting really nervous. He says he is leaning more toward moving up here but that can change really quickly with him especially as time counts down…I am sure he is reaching his own panic too which makes him do funny things…I’m really scared.
Trickery…
Taught classes today, I was tricked, I thought there was only one but apparently there were two. Still, not a bad deal, teach a couple classes and get a day off. I must admit, however, I am extremely tired of teaching classes, only one more next week and I am done for a little while and then after that I shouldn’t be teaching 2 a day again for a while. Now I will take my day of so I can prepare to go home, woot! I am still trying to figure out what my sister and I are doing for my mom’s Christmas gift but she hasn’t responded about it, guess I just have to bug her some more. I also have a friend who is super excited to hang out when I get back so we will see how that goes.
I am down to 4 days before I leave for home. I am excited but nervous, I couldn’t stop thinking last night which made it so it took forever to get to sleep. Hubby says he should have an answer by the time I get there rather than when I leave so I am looking forward to just ending all of the confusion and nonsense. I know I have said that a lot but it is just more and more on my mind the closer I get. I am worried about the answer and yet not, I know I will be ok either way and both paths cause their own stresses and at this point I don’t know if one is any better than the other. Ugh, it will be done soon and then I will finally have progress to report to the great wide internets…
New People…Old Problems…
Blah, tired of the stupid holes! The little squirter thing works luckily but it’s still annoying to have to use the stupid thing all the time. Whatever, hopefully I never have to deal with anything like this again…
Got the next season of Desperate Housewives, woot! I am watching it now so yay for no more boredom.
We got our new girl at work today and thankfully she seems to be pretty cool so far. I haven’t really had a lot of time to talk to her but she we went to lunch and talked. Turns out she is my age, married and has been through her marriage struggles as well. Unfortunately I think I am going to be out of the group, my supervisor and her husband will probably hang out with the new girl and hers and seeing how my husband is MIA I am the 5th wheel. I am really getting so tired of this. Either I am single or I am married, this limbo BS is getting extremely tiring. Ugh, and if he does move up here then what? Then we work on things and he pulls the same crap as always? I am not sure I have much faith in him anymore and I don’t know about our marriage. I am tired of trying to be sane while he has his freak outs or acts like a stupid child or does something stupid and painful to me. He doesn’t think and he doesn’t even seem to care. It hurts so bad that he could do this to me and he doesn’t even seem to care, do I want him back?
A Question
I have a question (well probably more than one but lets start with one) for people out there…what is life about? I guess it’s one of those why are we here type questions. I have figured out what I think life is about but I am intrigued. so many people spend all of their time stressing and freaking out thinking they have to do so many different things and creating big problems for themselves. Honestly, for the most part life isn’t that complicated. Take my husband for example, he is freaking out because he doesn’t know if I am “the one” or if we will work out and so he is stuck frozen with fear of making the wrong choice. Why? I really don’t get it, I understand his fears, I see where they are coming from but I don’t understand why he has let them become so big and control him. To me life is about fun, to me that is why we are here, to see what we can do and how happy we can make ourselves and each other. So, if I were in my husband’s situation (actually I was in his situation) my choice is easy, move. That choice presents everything, I have a chance to work on the relationship to actually see if it will work, I get to live somewhere new, I remove some stresses and potentially set myself up for a better future, even if things don’t work out I at least spend some time enjoying myself and having fun. For him he just can not figure it out, he doesn’t like his set up right now, can’t remember the last time he was happy or the last time he actually went out and had fun, for him it is basic survival. Why continually force yourself into that? Take advantage of a chance and improve your situation, have some fun and if it doesn’t work out then go back to where you were. Why do people take problems and complicate them and twist them into something unmanageable? Just jump, take that leap of faith and see what happens. Life isn’t about standing still frozen scared to make any decisions, you jump, you take some steps forward and you see what it does for you. You move around and try things, you explore, get up to mischief, adventure and do something! My goal in life…to have as much fun and be as happy as possible, life is a series of moments, I will enjoy each moment to the fullest so I can look back and say I well and truly enjoyed my life rather than spending so much time trying to make the correct decision and waiting for something to happen so I look back at my life and realize how much I have missed. I want to play and I want someone who will play with me and enjoy life.
Finally Some Excitement…
I had a realization today, probably something everyone really knows and honestly I kind of knew it but it is different knowing something and realizing it. Anyway, I had to go to PT this morning and nothing has changed, I still hate PT. So we get through the strength training and move onto the dreaded run. There was only one person from my shop there today and he runs on his own so that meant it was just me and my Ipod, usually this means I walk more because I don’t have anyone to push me. Bright exciting thing #1 for the day (not quite my realization yet, a bit of a sidetrack, apologies) I actually ran a mile straight, I didn’t stop until I finished the first mile. I was really proud, I haven’t done that in a while and my entire run time was actually pretty decent, not spectacular but decent. Well after the run obviously before work I need to shower and change and get ready for my work day. While I am putting on my boots I have the realization that I actually feel really good. I actually felt energized and a little proud, I was happy and just felt like I was actually getting the day started on the right foot. Now, I said this is something a lot of people know and I knew it, exercise makes people feel good for a bunch of different reasons but I had spent so much time concentrating on the momentary irritation and pain and struggling that I never really noticed it. I will still complain about PT, probably always will, but at least now I will loathe it just a little less.
So after PT I went to go get breakfast, I finished off my cereal so I decided to try Habanero which is a place we have on base that everyone talks about. It took a long time for them to actually make the food so I was a little irritated, not to mention I really don’t like breakfast burritos so I was already a bit sketchy. Well when I finally got the burrito and rushed to work and managed to get a bite I was so happy I waited. It was so amazingly good, I think I will try to go there after PT everyday if I have the time and maybe eventually go there for some other meal but I am so happy I tried it. So, exciting thing #2: yay for new experiences and them going well!
On with my day, after I shoveled down the burrito (unfortunately I had to eat it super fast because I didn’t have much time at all) I went to sit in on a class. The person who was instructing this class I hadn’t seen teach yet and he and I reached a deal, he was teaching both classes that day so I agree to teach half of each class. Off we went to the classroom and he started with the first half of the class, then comes the break. I started to get a bit nervous but he was helpful and walked me through what I would be doing. I actually taught. I squished down all the little butterflies that were trying to mess up my stomach and taught. Then I did it again for the next class but for the first section. So exciting thing #3: finally reaching the point where I can convince myself to not have butterflies (I really felt nothing in my stomach, almost but I figured out how to stop it, I could never do that before, I would get so nervous in front of people and try to rush through whatever I was saying and just sit down and put my head down. I am so happy to finally have gotten this much confidence, even the guy who was teaching with me said that just in the time I have been in the shop I have totally come out of my shell and gained confidence.) And #4: I taught an entire class today! Maybe it wasn’t straight through but put it together I covered all of the material at some point and taught it all! I am so happy.
After that the day was pretty much done, almost. Boo point #1: I got into a fight with hubby…again. Maybe I took it too far or maybe he was in the wrong but it sucked, as with all of our arguments I think I have a slightly better understanding but it just sucks that I have to go through the fights with him to get that extra bit of knowledge. It would be nice if he could open up and tell me and it would be nice if I wasn’t so sensitive to things but it’s just the way we are. I just hope that I can figure out what I need to before these fights ruin everything. Boo #2: Got an oh so fun email from my mom which was a follow up to a previous email, both ruffled my feathers quite a bit. I sent her my comments back and it may end up making her angry but whatever, Exciting point #whatever: She no longer has any control over me, I don’t live in her house, I don’t need her money, I am free and don’t have to take her crap. After the emails and thinking about things I am now wondering if I even really want to go back for Christmas. There were reasons I was so anxious to leave that place and they apparently just aren’t going away like I was hoping they would. Not to mention I would have to figure out what to do with the cats, board them or try to take them, if I take them I have to drive. Do I want to drive or fly? Do I even have the money to cover it all? Is it worth all of the stress and irritation? I love my sister and I don’t want to leave her alone for Christmas, my mom said that if I wasn’t coming down she would probably fly back to Hawaii, I also have a bunch of stuff I would love to do in Cali, theme parks, restaurants…not to mention maybe renting a uhaul to get the rest of my stuff up here and whatever is going on with hubby. But most of that can be postponed, hubby doesn’t need me there to make his decision…I don’t know what to do, luckily (and in some cases unluckily) December is pretty far off.
Stupid girl…
I just got a pen mark on my couch, damn. I do not have the best luck with pens apparently, they get caught in my dryer, they mark up my couch. Whatever.
So I ended up out with a friend last night. I had fun and I stayed awake. The night ended early, her daughter was there so it wasn’t going to get crazy or anything. It was nice though, I got to get out of my place, have some fun and have a good dinner (with leftovers that I can now eat for lunch). It was nice to meet her daughter, an absolutely adorable little girl. I have no idea how to act around little kids because I never really deal with them but I think I did ok. I ended up playing with her dolls with her in her room and doing a Hello Kitty puzzle, it was pretty fun, lol. I think everyone had a good time including her daughter and they were saying it was the first hang out for them in about a month so I think everyone needed it. Other than that life is just the same. I got into a fight with hubby yesterday, my fault probably but meh. I wish that he would at least treat me like a friend. He is so afraid of giving me false hope or whatever that he ends up crushing any hope I have and making me feel worse. Then he yells about being so tired of me getting upset with him or whatever. Stop making me more depressed idiot! I go to him to try to feel better but I guess I just need to learn to shut up. Meh, now I get to go write a check to cover his ass again, I think I am a door mat…and a soon to be broke one at that but I have never been able to watch people close to me suffer so I tend to try to fix it. I should try to get over that soon, especially where he is concerned, he can learn to fix his own shit if he can’t even be there for me in the most basic way. It’s not like I ask for that much and for some reason I always feel guilty for it. Stupid girl…
Edit: so my weekend went to crap when my cats clotheslined themselves on the cord for my PS2 controller and the console hit the ground and my favorite movie disc was stuck inside. First priority was saving the Labyrinth, that meant I had to dissect the console. Next was trying to repair the console since it was my main entertainment. I pretty much had to strip the entire console down and tinker with it but I freaking did it. I feel so full of win right now for fixing it!
Back to Normal…
I broke 500 views and I wasn’t even here posting every day, that’s kind of nifty, thanks.
So hubby is currently flying back to California. I am sad to see him go and I am happy to report that he seemed a bit reluctant to leave as well. I think, though this visit started out very rocky, this was exactly what we needed. We started out fighting a bit, well, not so much fighting I suppose but I was crying and he was feeling bad, we just started the visit out badly but then again maybe not. We started the visit out talking, we talked about some things that needed to be talked about and said some things that needed to be said. After that first day things got better. Honestly we had a great time as far as I am concerned (I won’t speak for him, as far as he told me he had a great time), we relaxed, we had fun and we were just happy. A lot of time was spent sitting at home watching Roseanne but that’s ok because it got us laughing together again…a lot. We made a few adventures out, we went to a corn maze (which was something I was surprised to discover he had never done and he ended up having fun with), we took a midnight drive like we used to, we went wandering places, we just did seems as they struck our fancy. It was so nice and so relaxed and so different from what we were. It was really nice to see what we were when the stress was taken away, we aren’t fighting like we used to because those stressors are no longer in the equation and though there was some odd feelings and thoughts we still managed to just hang out and enjoy each others company like we never have before. I remember why I married him and why I am fighting so hard to keep him. I needed this visit to go well to recharge but I needed it to go well without me forcing it to, and it did. He listened to me when I commented about how much he was texting and he let up, he helped me keep things clean and he even took over cleaning the cat box (I just made sure to hold up the agreement I suckered him in to a while ago 
). Things with us in our own place are really fun. By the end of the visit he was saying he wanted to stay at least for a bit longer because it was so much less stress and so nice here. He isn’t decided on if he is ready to move here or not and honestly, that’s ok. We talked, I understand more where he is coming from and what he is trying to achieve. I understood it before but it was hard because some of the things he was trying to explain weren’t coming out right and I didn’t entirely know where he stood. Things are different when you are face to face with someone, it’s easier to talk and be properly understood. Anyway, I have better ideas of his progress and what he is doing and how things are going and I am better than I was. I think I have reached a point with this visit that either way it goes I can be ok. Obviously if it ends I will be very unhappy but with this visit I saw that I have done what I could. I realized I have fixed a lot of the stuff that I saw in myself that I knew was causing problems. I have done everything I can and he is doing what he can. If we don’t work it won’t be for lack of trying, it will just be because we ran into something we couldn’t fix. I won’t have to spend time thinking about what I did wrong or what I could have changed because the answer to that is nothing, I have done what I can and fixed what I could. I realized I was causing problems and I worked to fix them, obviously it would have been nice to catch some stuff before it cause problems but we didn’t and that’s no one’s fault either. I have hope that we will still end up together, I still want to and won’t ever say I don’t want us to, but I got a certain sense of closure and comfort from this visit that I needed and honestly I hope will make things easier for me to handle and will in turn make me easier to get along with and handle as far as he is concerned. We are both learning so much about ourselves and honestly, we are learning a lot about each other.
PS: I finally really got to cook for him, I just made stew and he seemed to enjoy it but we had made a deal a while ago (we make a lot of deals) that he would have to cook for me. He made amazing barbeque chicken, I have some pieces left to take for lunch tomorrow and I am so excited because it is super good. Just the random thought of the moment that I had no idea where else to put…
So I went back to work today after the couple of days of leave I took for hubby and now I don’t really know what’s going on. I have been kind of confused since my sister came to visit, I was taking off as soon as I could from work, took days off or half days for airport trips and to actually spend time with her. Now the visits are over, no more half days to pick up people and no more days off or any other nonsense. I can now get back into work and continue my attempt to make a good impression, learn more and promote faster. Anyway, there is stuff going on in my shop that I had no idea about until yesterday but luckily I am still new and not really responsible for it. I pretty much float and try to absorb as much stuff as possible so it wasn’t too bad that I had people here and was distracted. I was absorbing a bunch of stuff today and we have tons of teaching to do for the next week so I may end up teaching a class or a piece of a class soon as many times as I am seeing them taught. Hopefully I do well and hopefully the groups are as small as they were today, I can deal with teaching 6 people at a time that just feels a little more relaxed. So, here’s hoping this is a good week, it is sounding pretty decent for now…well except for the cold part…it’s really cold here right now, I love the rain but I am just not used to it, I will be sure to wear better clothing tomorrow…
