Week from HELL!
It started this last weekend, my cat passed away. This fat fuzzball has been with me for so long and through everything, he was my company when I got out here and was all alone and I loved him so much and he was happy and healthy. Hubby got home and Wicker ran up to him happy as usual then about 10 minutes later I was just getting out of the shower and hubby called me because something was wrong. We rushed him to the emergency vet but they said nothing could be done, it was pretty much instant. Apparently it was either some sort of cardiac something or a blood clot, something that is quick and not preventable and apparently happens with cats. It hit me hard and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to let go and mourn and move on, I don’t even think I have dealt with my dad’s death, I just don’t know how to handle it all and it takes so much energy.
Then I get to work and this week has just been long even though we had Monday off. We are having a lot of our policies undermined and it is making things a lot harder on us for stupid reasons and because people cry too much. Then with joint basing we are getting caught up in the middle and are getting so messed up. Also, a new thing has been implemented that Friday, which used to be our shop PT day and was my favorite because it was more relaxed and I could actually concentrate on what I needed to improve personally, is now a “wing run” day. So, now our entire wing which is a ridiculous amount of people must all find parking and meet in a specific spot, run 2 miles (thankfully not in formation and at our own pace) and then all try to shower and change in the small locker rooms…or some can go back to their shops if they are lucky enough. The logistics are going to be stupid. There is also a rumor that Tuesday’s and Thursday’s will be shop PT which means 5 days of PT…I am hoping the shop PT works out in my favor but we will see, that is still a lot of PT and a lot of time that I was happy with that is being taken away. I also discovered a couple of days ago that I have to work this Saturday doing something stupid, the one day I had all to myself without hubby and the one day we could save on some gas because we wouldn’t have to mess with switching the car around and drive back and forth so many times…
Also, got into a massive fight with hubby. I had my thoughts that I was thinking were right and I thought I was going the right direction and I thought things were stable and then I got the rug pulled out from under me. I got all turned about and some things I thought I had right I didn’t and some things I am going back and thinking maybe my opinion was inaccurate before and I am just spending a lot of time second guessing and now going over stuff I thought I had already dealt with and having to look at it again and try to find some other new perspective. It sucks, I am so tired and ready to be done with the problems and just get to the happy.
We are broke…no matter how I budget and how prepared I am some extra expense always pops up and makes us so stupid broke. I had things going well with my money and then expense after expense demanded payment. I now can just perfectly cover my bills but I don’t just have my bills. I have other stuff that will be coming out of my account that I don’t know if I have the money to cover. I was counting on hubby to give me the money because they are his expenses that he told me he would pay me back for but he miscalculated. Thankfully he gets paid weekly so I have pretty much decided to just take his entire next check if I have to, I won’t let myself get over drawn or more important bills go unpaid because of his expenses.
Blarg! When does it get better?
I don’t know what to do with all of this…
Blarg, so Hubby got the Uhaul today which unfortunately is more money than I expected and so we will be broke for this month. Also he delayed in actually picking it up because of rain which means that he didn’t get it all packed like he planned today which means he has to finish packing tomorrow and isn’t just going to be him driving up and getting here ASAP like planned. Also, unfortunate is we think the guy who transferred our stuff to the garage stole a bunch of our stuff including hubby’s one of a kind pool cue, his speakers set he got for his computer, our XBOX 360 and our PS3. The speaker set hubby has actually seen in this guys room and he claims he just happened to buy this exact same set off of “some guy”, he also has a 360 with smudge marks and other marks that look ridiculously similar to the ones our 360 had. Irritating and frustrating, especially for me the loss of the PS3. I asked my mom not to trust this guy with our stuff and she ignored me, now hubby is angry in general which comes back at me and I am angry as well and trying not to put it on him for not sending all of the stuff up while it was being taken care of by the Air Force. I am just so frustrated in general, such a stupid situation and I am so frustrated. GRR! I don’t even know how to let all of this out…
They are starting to break.
Sitting around with hubby watching movies. The last couple of days have been pretty fun. The last couple of nights were spent drinking and playing pool. The first night was more just drinking and fun at a bar with pool and last night was more of hanging out and just relaxing. We spent time with some friends who were nice to catch up with and I finally found a cocktail that I like. I have reached a point where I have finally started to let go of a lot of my inhibitions and issues. I still need to gain more self confidence and work on it a little more but I have made progress I am really happy about. Honestly I think I have broken down walls without realizing I had done it but they were good walls to break. Even hubby is excited that I broke those walls down and it has been making things work a lot smoother between us and that gives me hope that we will get through our issues and become what we want to be. Overall there is still a lot of work, a lot of personal issues and struggles to get through and much progress to be made but over the past couple of days I have become more confident that we can make that progress.
California!
So I got to Cali a couple of days ago and things are interesting to say the least. The family dinner was not nearly what I was expecting, not the happy fun it usually is. This year was an interesting one and we just have to see how they go next year, hopefully they stay good for some and get better for others. Talked with hubby, been talking with him. I don’t think I am really going to post anything until it is all finally set by my standards but at the very least there is a lot of stuff to work through for both of us. This will be an interesting few weeks I think. Other than that not too eventful yet, today should be visiting the house and starting to decorate for Christmas while my sister attempts to cook some random thing I stumbled her online. I will of course leave the decorating occasionally to peak my head into the kitchen, talk to her and keep her company as well as make sure she doesn’t burn the house down. We were discussing some of her cooking experiences last night and have decided she has an odd knack for creating new creatures…blobs and things that jiggle and move all on their own, lol. I will definitely be carefully watching.
Panic…
So I started thinking today…I only have two days left before I go home. At first I was completely excited, yay for all of the fun stuff I get to do! But then I started really thinking and freaking out and panicking. Going home could possibly mean the end of my marriage. Before I was excited to just finally have a resolution one way or the other but now I am afraid, I don’t want it to end. I don’t want my marriage to be over. It was easier to try to be over it and angry before and pissy, it kind of helped me deal with it but now that the day of resolution is almost here I am getting really nervous. He says he is leaning more toward moving up here but that can change really quickly with him especially as time counts down…I am sure he is reaching his own panic too which makes him do funny things…I’m really scared.
Trickery…
Taught classes today, I was tricked, I thought there was only one but apparently there were two. Still, not a bad deal, teach a couple classes and get a day off. I must admit, however, I am extremely tired of teaching classes, only one more next week and I am done for a little while and then after that I shouldn’t be teaching 2 a day again for a while. Now I will take my day of so I can prepare to go home, woot! I am still trying to figure out what my sister and I are doing for my mom’s Christmas gift but she hasn’t responded about it, guess I just have to bug her some more. I also have a friend who is super excited to hang out when I get back so we will see how that goes.
I am down to 4 days before I leave for home. I am excited but nervous, I couldn’t stop thinking last night which made it so it took forever to get to sleep. Hubby says he should have an answer by the time I get there rather than when I leave so I am looking forward to just ending all of the confusion and nonsense. I know I have said that a lot but it is just more and more on my mind the closer I get. I am worried about the answer and yet not, I know I will be ok either way and both paths cause their own stresses and at this point I don’t know if one is any better than the other. Ugh, it will be done soon and then I will finally have progress to report to the great wide internets…
A Little Better…
So after I got angry yesterday I actually managed to get a hold of my husband (by text only but it was something at least) and heard something that I really needed to hear from him. I am still broken and still worried but I am at least somewhat steady again. I only have another week of this and then I am back in California and finally I can get some clarity and answers and some face to face discussions whether they be good or bad…though hopefully good.
Tomorrow I have to drive to the airport at 3 in the morning then continue on to work but after that it’s the weekend so woot for that! This weekend I think will be spent finishing season 2 of Desperate Housewives and starting on season 3. This show has me pretty sucked in, sadly my friend only has up through season 3 so after that I will have to wait a bit to watch it again.
New People…Old Problems…
Blah, tired of the stupid holes! The little squirter thing works luckily but it’s still annoying to have to use the stupid thing all the time. Whatever, hopefully I never have to deal with anything like this again…
Got the next season of Desperate Housewives, woot! I am watching it now so yay for no more boredom.
We got our new girl at work today and thankfully she seems to be pretty cool so far. I haven’t really had a lot of time to talk to her but she we went to lunch and talked. Turns out she is my age, married and has been through her marriage struggles as well. Unfortunately I think I am going to be out of the group, my supervisor and her husband will probably hang out with the new girl and hers and seeing how my husband is MIA I am the 5th wheel. I am really getting so tired of this. Either I am single or I am married, this limbo BS is getting extremely tiring. Ugh, and if he does move up here then what? Then we work on things and he pulls the same crap as always? I am not sure I have much faith in him anymore and I don’t know about our marriage. I am tired of trying to be sane while he has his freak outs or acts like a stupid child or does something stupid and painful to me. He doesn’t think and he doesn’t even seem to care. It hurts so bad that he could do this to me and he doesn’t even seem to care, do I want him back?
Don’t be so sensitive…
So I think the mouth wash stuff they prescribed to me may be making my teeth sensitive. I also think I have been using it a bit to much because I think I burned the tip of my tongue? Not pleasant so soon I think I may switch to salt water mix or listerine. I also finally got the syringe thing I kept hearing about so that can clean out the holes. I used it, it seems to work so far so yay! I can eat. I think I am still going to stick to softer foods for a while and at work it will still be stuff that I don’t have to worry about cleaning out of the holes. That is just an extra hassle I don’t need at work plus I don’t want to bring that syringe thingy everywhere with me. The Dentist said everything is healing well and it should take about 4-6 weeks for the holes to completely close. A pain but at least there is an end in sight, only another 3-5 weeks left…
I am finally at a point where I am no longer the only one teaching classes. I guess it has been decided that I have had enough training and done enough that the office can go back to normal rotation. I am happy because I was getting a bit tired of being the only one teaching. To be fair I still don’t have my days filled with stuff to do but it just gets tedious. Anyway, I have gotten some good kudos about my teaching so I am happy. I also officially put in for my leave and it has been approved so I am all set to go back to Cali for the holidays, woot! On the not so great side of things I have to drive a coworker to the airport at 3 in the morning on Friday. This guy gets the worst possible flights, I swear. I guess I can’t complain, I volunteered because it means I get money (technically it is gas money but he gives more than what it actually takes so I make a little and I need it) and now he will owe me a favor….well a couple, I have to pick him up at 1130 at night on his return. I kind of like people owing me favors, it is usually comes back nicely in one way or another.
My husband has me worried. As far as I can tell he is suffering depression and his situation just keeps getting worse. I can’t help him and I love him but I also worry about what will happen if he moves out here. I love him but I don’t want to be unhappy, I spent so much time being unhappy I don’t want to go back. the problem is he is so pessimistic and negative and I don’t know how or if he can be pulled out of this. He somewhat has to choose to and I don’t know if he will, if he doesn’t then it is just going to make me unhappy. I don’t know if we will work out or not and I am at such a great place right now minus the issues with him and it is still a new and fragile thing I don’t want to lose it. I guess it is all just a bunch of fears and I can’t do much but take the same advice I give him, face my fears. I just have to see what he decides and see where it goes, hopefully it goes well but that is really all his choice.
