Week from HELL!
It started this last weekend, my cat passed away. This fat fuzzball has been with me for so long and through everything, he was my company when I got out here and was all alone and I loved him so much and he was happy and healthy. Hubby got home and Wicker ran up to him happy as usual then about 10 minutes later I was just getting out of the shower and hubby called me because something was wrong. We rushed him to the emergency vet but they said nothing could be done, it was pretty much instant. Apparently it was either some sort of cardiac something or a blood clot, something that is quick and not preventable and apparently happens with cats. It hit me hard and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to let go and mourn and move on, I don’t even think I have dealt with my dad’s death, I just don’t know how to handle it all and it takes so much energy.
Then I get to work and this week has just been long even though we had Monday off. We are having a lot of our policies undermined and it is making things a lot harder on us for stupid reasons and because people cry too much. Then with joint basing we are getting caught up in the middle and are getting so messed up. Also, a new thing has been implemented that Friday, which used to be our shop PT day and was my favorite because it was more relaxed and I could actually concentrate on what I needed to improve personally, is now a “wing run” day. So, now our entire wing which is a ridiculous amount of people must all find parking and meet in a specific spot, run 2 miles (thankfully not in formation and at our own pace) and then all try to shower and change in the small locker rooms…or some can go back to their shops if they are lucky enough. The logistics are going to be stupid. There is also a rumor that Tuesday’s and Thursday’s will be shop PT which means 5 days of PT…I am hoping the shop PT works out in my favor but we will see, that is still a lot of PT and a lot of time that I was happy with that is being taken away. I also discovered a couple of days ago that I have to work this Saturday doing something stupid, the one day I had all to myself without hubby and the one day we could save on some gas because we wouldn’t have to mess with switching the car around and drive back and forth so many times…
Also, got into a massive fight with hubby. I had my thoughts that I was thinking were right and I thought I was going the right direction and I thought things were stable and then I got the rug pulled out from under me. I got all turned about and some things I thought I had right I didn’t and some things I am going back and thinking maybe my opinion was inaccurate before and I am just spending a lot of time second guessing and now going over stuff I thought I had already dealt with and having to look at it again and try to find some other new perspective. It sucks, I am so tired and ready to be done with the problems and just get to the happy.
We are broke…no matter how I budget and how prepared I am some extra expense always pops up and makes us so stupid broke. I had things going well with my money and then expense after expense demanded payment. I now can just perfectly cover my bills but I don’t just have my bills. I have other stuff that will be coming out of my account that I don’t know if I have the money to cover. I was counting on hubby to give me the money because they are his expenses that he told me he would pay me back for but he miscalculated. Thankfully he gets paid weekly so I have pretty much decided to just take his entire next check if I have to, I won’t let myself get over drawn or more important bills go unpaid because of his expenses.
Blarg! When does it get better?
Just Some Thoughts
I think my cat is chasing his tail in the bath tub…weirdo.
I love getting out of work early on a 3 day weekend, it’s awesome! Not to mention we also have Wednesday off next week (random to have a day of in the middle of the week but i’ll take it) so the week will be a short one. We are going out for a farewell dinner party thing too so it will be a good week.
So yesterday’s post was intended to be a more refined post but unfortunately I hit a wall of tired but it was something that I really wanted said and knew I probably wouldn’t get back to it if it wasn’t at least generally written already. Tonight is not the night to edit it and honestly I am not sure if there will be a point it gets edited but at least it is there.
I just got back from hanging out with people and have hit my wall of tired again and am probably going to crash soon. At least I am up later than 7 or 8, I feel like such an old person, I really need to find more stuff to do. I need a new partner in crime, someone who will get into mischief with me. December is creeping ever closer and I guess I figure out from there if I need an entirely new partner in crime or if I just have to fix the old one, as he always says, we will see.
Pain…
I feel…horrible. We did PT today, first day back and the first day in a week or two and we did tough PT. Tons of push ups, tons of sit ups and the long run. I am excited that I can run a mile straight but today I pushed myself hard. Now my knees are hurting…bad. I think the last time they hurt like this was back in tech school when I was first put on my waiver and recovering. I’m sure it’s not that bad and hopefully will fade withing a day or two but for now I am in pain. My back is also hurting, I think that is again from the extra hard running and my big…personality…causes some problems. Not to mention I am exhausted and have had a migraine all day. I don’t know why, I have eaten, I slept and I am not super stressed, it’s just one of those days.
I actually had stuff to do today! I taught both classes and surprisingly I seem to be over me fear of teaching. I think part of it from before was being judged because I had some of my coworkers sitting in specifically to judge me. Now it’s my class, they have to sit there and I have done it before without problems. Not to mention that they aren’t really paying attention anyway, they all just want to get out of there, they don’t care what I am saying. I guess overall I am just used to it now I just have to improve, figure out jokes to make and ways to make it fun. I also had some stuff that I had to get back into order after being gone and that is continuing tomorrow so I have stuff to do then. It’s nice to actually be useful have stuff to do.
Hehe, my cat just spent the last 5 or 10 minutes chasing his tail and is now curled up and passed out on the floor. I had the best sunset I have seen in a long time tonight and I am just relaxing on my couch watching Ron White, I may be in pain but I love my life.
When Plans Fall Through
Today I was supposed to go hang out with some friends at the golf course while they drank and played. I was mainly going to be there as a designated driver for them and I was going to get crazy amounts of entertainment out of it. Considering i really didn’t have much else to do it sounded like a good deal. Those plans unfortunately fell through, one of the guys had a family emergency and everyone else decided to just be lazy instead. That’s fine by me, honestly, the guy who had the emergency was the really funny one of the group and he amplified the funny of the other guy I know so it would have been a lot less fun if he weren’t there. I ended up cleaning, like super cleaning. I moved the catbox which I had wanted to do for a while, I just wasn’t sure where to put it. unfortunately that is the down side to cats and the down side to a smaller apartment. I ended up just shoving it in the guest bathroom and whenever I have guests I care about I will shuffle it somewhere else. I want to get a cover for it so it looks like an extra table thing and covers the cat box but I am, for the moment, broke; the guest bathroom will just have to do.
I scrubbed my bathroom, got all the cat litter and cat food (my cats are fat and messy) vacuumed, scrubbed my kitchen and am now doing laundry. I need to wash all of my blankets still and vacuum my room but other than that I am pretty much done. I also managed to go shopping, I got breakfast stuff finally and have some stuff for dinner. Tonight I am making chicken and bean sprouts with rice and some veggies I think. It should be good, the chicken is marinading now and will for about four hours, then it shouldn’t take too long to cook hopefully. I haven’t made the bean sprouts in a really long time so I hope they turn out right but I figured my mom bought me a wok I better use it.
Once everything is clean and food is cooked I have nothing to do but sit back and enjoy my weekend. this was the day that I got everything done so the next two can just be enjoyed before a high stress few weeks of work. I start fully teaching entire classes next week, I am excited and nervous, I need to sit and look over everything I need to teach. I tend to get through my lessons really quick, I think it is just a lack of experience and time with the subject matter. Not to mention I like to just cut to the chase and get through it, I am pretty sure the people don’t really want to be in the class and don’t really pay attention anyway. Why not just give them the information they need and send them on their way? No reason to fluff it up in my opinion. Whatever, hopefully I will learn to stretch it out because I think I have to but I will just have to see how it goes for the first few classes. I also have to try to be funny and out going right off the bat. I usually have to get to know people before I get the way, that let’s me guage them and judge their humor and personality. I guess I just have to learn to do that instantly or figure out how to make it all funny in a way everyone can be happy with.
Also in the next few weeks we are going to be getting ready for this crazy inspection exercise thing. Everybody is already stressing and going crazy and if last time was any judge people are just going to get more and more panicked and crazy until it is all over. I can’t wait until it is though, partly because everyone will be stressing less but also because I haven’t actually seen my shop and base out of this high stress mode. This is apparently the insane year where we get hit by everything important and major so it will be interesting to see what happens once everything is calmed down.
Interesting times are ahead but for now, I will enjoy the peace.
Monsters…
My cat has been turned into a needy whiny little monster! I love him but jeeze, he is always under my feet an has to follow someone, and always nuzzling and always wanting constant attention and waking me up throughout the night for attention, it was nice that he was so loving at first but it is getting annoying. I am hoping that it is just him happy to be back with me and getting used to the new place, otherwise I need to figure out how to train him and see if it is possible to make him a little less needy. I think once the other cat gets here he will be better, he will have someone to play with and keep his attention. He hasn’t been the only cat in a really long time so maybe that’s it.
Went to Seattle with my sister yesterday. We walked…a lot. It wasn’t bad. We started out at the Sci Fi museum which was interesting. My sister was upset because I didn’t remember half of the stuff from in it so we rented a couple of movies last night to jog my memory and she says she is going to make a list of stuff I haven’t seen or don’t remember because it was just getting sad, lol. We went from the Sci Fi museum to hunt down lunch which ended up being down by the water at some nice hotel. I can’t remember the name of it but it had good food. After that we wandered to Pike Market Place. We didn’t see any fish throwing but it was still a fun interesting place, lots of little shops and a big farmer’s market. It wasn’t too crowded but there was still enough people to make it really lively. Actually, the entire time we were walking around we were commenting on how quiet the whole city was. It may be because we were there on a Sunday and a lot of things seemed closed on Sunday (in the morning at least), but the whole place just seemed so nice. Lots of clean and pretty buildings and lots of cute mom and pop shops instead of big chains. Anyway, we finally went back to the Space Needle after the market and I have to say, it is a lot shorter than I expected. We definitely saw some pretty views but we really didn’t stay up there too long, just long enough. We went and finished up the Sci Fi museum after that and then it was time to somehow find my way out of the parking lot and head home. It was a long day, lots of walking and I was wiped out but it was really pretty fun. I am glad I have finally been to Seattle. The plan for today is to make it to the Puyallup fair. I think it is kind of like the Orange County fair so hopefully it will be fun. Today is supposed to be a military appreciation day too so it is free for me and hopefully her too.
I am getting snippy at hubby. I probably shouldn’t but things are just so screwy right now that I just can’t hold everything back. I hate the situation, I hate the shift it has taken, I hate that I can’t even really text him anymore because he barely responds because of other stuff going on. The stupid little girl has gotten messed up yet again and once again he is the one who has to help her. They were going to check on his tools so he could get them ready for work and she somehow managed to jam her ankle between the seat and the door and sprain it. Honestly I don’t know how that happens, I just can’t picture it but whatever the case she did it so now he is driving her everywhere because her car is a manual and he is taking care of her. Stupid little girl that I was told never really gets sick or injured has had way more illnesses and injuries recently than anyone I know. It is seriously ridiculous and of course when he is playing her hero I can’t talk to him because all of a sudden he is busy driving and doing stuff for her. Ugh, it is all just stupid, he can’t control her getting hurt, I know this, and she is his friend (even if she is damaging the marriage) and he always wants to take care of his friends, all friends, whenever he can, that still doesn’t mean I have to like it. Really I think I just keep being mean because I want him to hurt. I want some sign that he is hurting even slightly especially since I am hurting so much. I want to hurt him because he is hurting me and I don’t know. I am probably a crazy monster myself but I can’t stop how I feel about it all, just try to handle it and give him whatever warning I can and hope that he can handle me.
Dragging…
I woke up way early today, it was odd and irritating. I went to bed later than usual so I have no idea why it happened, first I woke up at 0530 then went back to bed somehow then woke up again at 0630. Bleh, I couldn’t go back to bed after that one and have been up since. I had some weird dreams again, not bad really just…odd, no idea where they came from but I am not even going to give it much thought, I am tired of trying to figure out what my mind is up to. I haven’t been particularly productive with my time either. I went shopping, got some food to cook for my sister, put up a shower curtain in the guest bathroom because life sucks with out a shower curtain, then that’s about it. I am making lunch and will soon attempt to get the guest room somewhat together so she will have a room to sleep in instead of sleeping on the couch. At least that way she can have privacy and I won’t wake her up with my early morning stupid sleep schedule. I want to get the room done but I am not sure I will, I told her she would be helping if I didn’t and she seems fine with it but still, I should probably be polite and do it before she gets here. I just got really tired. Before my goal was to get food, I didn’t have any breakfast stuff so I had to shop, now that is done and I made a smoothie and am waiting for actual food I just want to nap, I am dragging so much right now.
Hubby got his job. We are now trying to figure out a way for him to come up here and drop off his cat plus have some time to visit before he starts work. I think he may end up overlapping with my sister which she may be very unhappy about and may cause some problems but I don’t know what to do, the cat needs to get here and soon and I really need to talk to him and find out what the hell is going on. He says he wants to talk to me in person if there is a chance he will be visiting so some talks have been put on hold which is a bit irritating. Oh well, not a lot for me to do about it, just sit back and try to deal with whatever complications he gives me…
HOME!
I am home and so happy. I came home and a world kind of fell apart but I am trying to get it all together again, it isn’t necessarily my world but it is connected. It’s all about money, money money and it sucks. I need money to pay off my stuff and some of his so it doesn’t ruin my credit and ruin me in general, I need to make sure his license doesn’t get suspended, I need to buy a plane ticket so I can get his cat out here because there is no where else for it to go…so many broken pieces to put into new places…
I was feeling really negatively about my marriage and it’s potential, I thought I had found someone who would give me hope and instead they did the opposite. Amazing what you find out about people in small conversations. Anyway, I was really unhappy and worried and had even called hubby and had a small discussion with him and then we made an appointment for tonight when he could call after he found a place to stay and I signed online. I came to check my blog and ended up with a comment from someone that actually gave me hope. Originally it was about a picture that I was using (sorry about that) that I took down but he commented about my blog and my relationship and gave me some hope. I must say 28 years sounds like a pretty successful marriage to me. So in a way, I am sorry for not getting proper permission for that picture, then again, if I hadn’t done that I would still be at a really low point and have virtually no hope for my marriage so, I’m really not sorry anymore. Thank you for that comment, it came at just the right time. Amazing how such small things you do can lead to such interesting turn outs, I remember when I was looking for the picture that I was hoping it wouldn’t cause any problems, I just took it off of google, happy coincidences.
I should be getting my cat soon! I am happy because I miss him but that is also another chunk money I am going ot have to pay. I figure if my mom pays me back for replacing the tire on her corvette that should take care of the pet deposit, and the extra money I am spending will just mean I have to be super tight on money. That should be interesting since my sister is coming out but we will just have to see. I may end up having to ask my mom for a little help, though I really absolutely hate to do it and will do everything I can to avoid it.
Not Good, Not Bad, Just Different…
I just had an awesome breakfast, ham, eggs and potatoes. The potatoes were a bit salty but overall it was a good breakfast and I am now a very fat and content person. I even got to sleep in a little, nothing like I used to but better than normal. My show of choice during breakfast this morning: CSI, lol, I am an oddball.
So do we remember how I said I was excited about my mom coming back because something would happen, one way or the other? Well last night she stayed up late to talk my husband and spent about an hour and a half talking to him, as of Thursday he is no longer living at her house. He has basic ideas of what he will do but nothing solid, just an idea of where to live but nothing about where to work or how to get around. I am really hoping he lives with his Aunt, I think she might be the better choice, a little more stable than anything else (other than coming up here of course which he won’t do). My mom offered him a deal that whenever he wanted to move up here she would pay for his uhaul up so long as I was still willing. He of course still has no idea if he will be coming up here or when he would be coming up here but at least there is some change in the situation.
Unfortunately my mom has postpone the family trip out here. She has decided she can’t afford airline tickets for Labor Day but she can for normal, non holiday weekends. She will instead hopefully be coming up the weekend of the 25th. It’s a long way off and I am a little bit disappointed but there is really nothing I can do about it. I am sure work will keep me busy, we have a ton of stuff to get ready for, so hopefully the time will pass quickly. I have no idea if hubby will be coming out on the trip anymore, I think she will still buy him a ticket because she is really hoping he will straighten out and we will work out, but I don’t know if he will take her up on it. He doesn’t seem to be angry about the whole situation so he might, I guess it is another thing to wait and see. She also said that when she flies out she will be flying my cat out, she says I need the comfort and I guess that is easier than me driving him out here. The only problem now is what do I do when I go home for the two weeks? I might be driving with him anyway, just both ways now.
Cuteness of the day, thanks to my sister and stumbleupon:
Can I just sleep please?
My blog seems to have lost people’s interest, my stats are down, pity.
Why can’t I sleep in? I mean really, getting up at 630 is not what is supposed happen on the weekend. Whatever, I guess it means I am up in time for my stuff to be delivered, hopefully it shows up early. Then maybe I will still have time to make it to the car show, I just need to figure out how late it runs. Actually I probably won’t be able to make it to the car show, I will probably be unpacking and trying to figure out what I have. I saw one car at the store and I am pretty sure it was from the museum or at least some hoe connected to it because it had a LeMay license plate on it. It was a pretty old car, of course I don’t know anything about cars so I can’t say much about it but it was nice. Edit: ok, googling it was apparently a 1929 Ford, nifty.
I made my chicken cacciatore last night but I ended up not eating any of it. I was tired by 700 so I ended up waiting for it to finish cooking and then putting it in the fridge. I am going to have some today for lunch and then dinner and every meal after until it is gone, lol. Should last me into the week and be good for lunch some days at work.
I was thinking about it last night and I really need to start saving money. My account is starting to get low which I knew was going to happen but it always makes me a little weird when I watch my money go down like that. Anyway, I need to save so I will be able to drive back to California and hang out for a couple of weeks then drive back not to mention put down a pet deposit so I can get my cat up here. I miss him but I am glad he isn’t here right now, it would be a pain getting everything moved in and unpacked with him running around and trying to get out the door.
Too much thinking, I can’t sleep right anymore. Obviously I keep waking up early but I keep waking up throughout the night too. I have figured out some stuff that I needed to figure out finally which is good. He has an interview on Monday apparently which bugs me but there isn’t anything I can do about it. I keep hoping that he won’t get a job and will end up moving up here but I guess that is just stupid. Maybe this is what he needs, get a job and support himself for a bit, or something. I don’t know, I am skeptical about everything but that is just me. Ugh, is it so hard for him to want to be in this marriage?! I stuck around and dealt with it when I was having issues but he can’t offer me that same courtesy. And what happens if he does move up here? How long will it be before we recover? If we recover…Too many questions and no answers and it is driving me insane, stupid boy. I am so tired of boys, I want a man, someone grown up and respectful and caring who actually wants to be with me with out second guessing. It shouldn’t be this hard, it really shouldn’t and I have no idea why he is making it so hard and why he did it now, he couldn’t figure this out before we got married?! Blarg, I guess maybe it isn’t all his fault, maybe it is just how he feels instead of a situational thing that he hasn’t handled and he isn’t as bad as I make him out to be but I just want a decision. My mom was buying tickets for the trip here and he panicked and called me about it. What was I supposed to do? It’s a week out, of course she is going to try to buy the tickets, you can’t postpone everything forever. At least under pressure he said he would come up but then she decided to hold of so she could look for better dates so now he is back to thinking. You would think it is the most difficult worst decision in the world, like it is so absolutely horrible to come up and see me for four freaking days. Even if I was emotionally in the same boat and I had a decision to visit for four days or stay home I would take the visit without hesitation. I don’t even think he understand how much him not making that small decision hurts on top of the fact that he won’t make the big decision. I know he isn’t doing it on purpose and he is struggling but he makes it so much worse on us. I wish I could sleep, I honestly just want to sleep until this whole thing is done and stop being stuck walking such a tight line.
